Father,

I pray that your Spirit breathe through us this weekend. Your wisdom is never ending. We delight in your Word and I look forward to seeing you act during every encounter we have with You. Protect us. Teach us. Let us walk in the Light as you are in the Light so that we do not stumble.

Protect our nation. Comfort and direct our new President. Counsel our leaders and show them the way we need to go. Bless each person who reads today and listen to their prayers. When they call out to you, draw closer. You are the God of comfort and understanding. You've been there and done that.

Yours because of your Grace.

Next Phase

"There was such a serenity that surrounded you, like you had all of the answers.... but then I realized that you were just as confused as the rest of us. You had just accepted your confusion."

- Major Kira, Deep Space Nine

Yeah, yeah, so I faulted back to my Star Trek geekness. My addicition has subsided, but I still have the craving every so often. But I like this quote! Often times we as people can be paralized by confusion. Seeking answers can throw us into a choatic spin zone causing us to second guess our every move. Should I persue a graduate degree? Do I need to move to another city? I really want to stay where I am. Maybe I should move closer to home. Maybe God is wanting me to apply to another Grad School. Am I ever going to get married? Am I even marriage material? BLARG!!!!!! (Rae Ann's Word). I guess it's there's not much Irony in finding the verse I found this morning.

"I tell you to believe that you have already received he things you ask for in prayer, and God will give them to you..." mark 11:24

I remember saying this before "God wants us to take iniative." Ofcourse saying it was only half the battle. I think somewhere along my walk with God I started to lag behind; still holding his hand mind you, but lagging behind. I wanted Him to drag me and make decisions, but I discovered that waiting doesn't cause God to work any harder or faster. He will bless the ground I walk on, but only when I choose to make the next step.

Bewilderment. Accepting it is going to be more challanging that I want it to be.

It Still Works

March 2007!!!! One would have imagined that I've stumbled into the abyss of mass despair and agony for not have written something in such a long period of time. The truth is, I've forgotten all about my blogger buddy. The last time I wrote, I was still leashed to the cubical which was my job, but alas I have broken free.

In October 2007, I graciously accepted a position as Asst General Manager of the Hampton Inn Texas City. It was a roller coaster but Oct 29 2008 made a whole year.... until I was laid off 2 days later. Hurricane Ike, in all of it's frivelous glory stripped my hotel of it's roof whilst we occupied her causing us to scurry about finding refuge in the most gracious bosom of the local Marriott. The Hampton was scheduled to open next April, but unforunately with no profits comes no paycheck for me, so I was booted.

No worries though, I never doubted the mysterious plans which are God's. Six years ago, I entrusted my life to Him and he has taken me on a interesting journey to many fabulous places over the years. If it weren't for Him, then I would have not befriended such marvelous companions as Nolan and Bethany. Who could forget my contengiously beautiful blonde flower Sarah Tunstall or my obssesively addicted to Georgia sports team ex-roomate Justin Dale. I would have never mooched off of the Nelsons or made friends with the Alvin Youth Group.

It's hard to believe the changes I've gone through over the last 4 blog years. I've forgotten how writing attributed to my insanely impressive vocabulary. Staying behind corporate America's walls has seriously dampened my creative linguistic ability. I've become enslaved to such terms as "my pleasure" and "absolutely" and "credit or debit." GASP!!!! No More.

I re-new my vow of finding the jovial and heart-wrenching attributes of life which make life worth living. And maybe if I finally improve the vocab, I can finally pass that God-forsaken GRE test and get into grad school. GRE for dummies ain't what it's cracked up to be!

VOD - Trust in God; A troubled heart isn't worth it. John 14:1

They're gone...

My pearly whites in the depths of my mouth. The wisdoms have vanished.

My mouth had been something sore over the last few days. I've actually have been a little anxious because I'm still waiting to see of there is any permanent nerve damage to be found. You see, I am officially deamed as a bearer of siamese wisdom teeth. That's right buddy, I'm a freak, a mutant, but not as cool as the ninja turtles. As I laid sumberly a sleep in the womb many years ago, my wisdom tooth gene on the right side of my mouth got lost and decided to shack up with my left wisdom tooth. They were happy for awhile, but as nature would have it, an ulcer formed due to their domestic struggle over jaw space, thus their removal proved mandatory. The siamese wisdom teeth synergized to produce a really long root which was dangerously close to a crucial nerve. Being that close, the doctor is not sure if the extraction messed with anything or not. Hopefully we'll find out Tuesday for my return visit. For now I lay happy with vikadin by my side along with the koolaid single squeezer things. It's a good life with a good company that pays for sick days.

Closer

I love zoe. Not like the little benevolent feeling of a young child running after a puppy, but something close I suppose. The conference was amazing! There is nothing like exhausting worship, listening to gifted speakers, and contemplating new ideas for worship back at home. I even lost self-control and bought all of the Zoe songs and song books. What can I say? I'm a sucker.

Jeff Wallin has always been a spiritual hero for me. My earliest encounter with him was back in my pre-pubescent years in Bible class. I use to watch him in plays on the CTV videos and was captivated by his unconventional teaching methods. This past weekend, I couldn't even turn my eyes to the clock to see what time it was. I didn't want it to be over. To listen to Jeff explain our role as Christians is like hearing about Christ all over again.

His series began addressing our desire and hunger of drawing closer to God. We try to find methods and excercises that create a fresh connection only to be disappointed or lose the spark that will lead us to finding other ways to encounter God. "You proabably even came to this conference in hopes that God will be drawn closer to you," he said. He was right. He reminded me that God had been riding with me the whole 11 hours to Lubbock for my encounter with God. God is always there, but he only is acknowledged when we are ready to acknowledge him.
If the whole Bible could be summarized into one, reader's digest word it would be "closer." Starting with the garden of Eden itself, man has always yearned to be closer to God... even to the point of being God-like. That was the temptation wasn't it? Eat this and you will be like God. They were literally in paradise, but they were pulled in to the temptation of coming to God on a new level. Why did Adam and eve do it? They were in perfection. They didn't have to worry about food. There were no job interviews to prepare for or stress over. Clothing selections were already taken care of. Adam didn't have to worry if he married the right women or not. There's only one! They were in the prescence of God. He walked by them almost daily. They still wanted to be closer.

We overviewed other stories. Just after the flood, the people were commanded by God to spread out and populate the earth, but instead they gathered closer together and plotted a device that would raise them closer to God. It took years and lots of planning, but a tower was in development. God come closer, but not the way the people had hoped. He gave them the gift of tongues. One man said pass me the hammer and the other said "no habla espanol." Utter confusion. Ultimately, God got what he wanted and scattered them himself.
Jeff's randition of the Israelites is the best. Here are a people who were suckered into capitivity and spent years complaining and whining and eventually got what they wanted. God said "You are my people, let's go." They said "How will we get there?" God said "Follow my cloud." They said but what about at night, we can't see it. "Then I will give you a pillar of fire." "Are we there yet?" "No, just a little longer." "We're hungry" "Ok I will throw manna from the sky, that way all you have to do is fall down face first and chew it." "But we want meat." "Ok. then I will send Quail through the camp and all you have to do is open your tent flap and they will run in until you close it again -Israelite hunting!" You see now why they are called "the children of Israel"
At the mountain of Sinai, God called Moses to the top of the mountain and said no one should some much as touch the mountain during the meeting or it will die. What was it that God had to tell Moses on top of the mountain? "Well there was thou shalt not kill, no other gods..." NO NO NO. There was something more. Someone new is moving into the neighborhood... and it was God. God was going to come down to the very center of the community. His Spirit was to confine itself into one room contained by veils that only one man can enter one day a year. Women and children would pass by the temple daily telling themselves that they would NEVER have the priviledge of seeing or entering behind the veil that the community surrounded. But little did they know that was not true and that the veil would come down and the Spirit would drive itself even closer than the veiled room.

I didn't have the opportunity to listen to all of Jeff's lessons, but the last one I heard was one that captivated me more than any lesson heard before. The story began with a man and a women who were having twins. One named "Heal" and the other named "Red", nicknamed "Hairy." During their birth Hairy was breeching the womb, the Heal grabbed the heal of first born and yanked him back into the womb so that he could make his grand entrance first. Unfortunately for the Heal, his parents already wrapped a string around Hairy's wrist to mark him as the true first born. As the two grew up together, the Heal lusted after Hairy's status as the first. You see, the Heal liked to be in control. He like having things go his way when he wants to happen. The Heal appearantly was a really good cook and used that trait to his advantage. One day, after Hairy spent a long day of hunting, the Heal went into action and offered a meal to his older brother. "Hey hairy! Hungry?" Hairy wasn't the brightest bulb of the christmas light string. He perhaps was even one fry short of a happy meal. Hairy smelled the food and wanted it baaad. "You can have till your fills content... oh yeah, for the measley cost of your birthright." You can see the hampster wheel falling from its hinges. "Uhhhhh. OK." That verabl agreement wasn't enough though. The Heal had to ensure the blessing that he wanted, so with his mother's help, he had to get...well, hairy, and trick his father into giving him the blessing. That very deception earned the Heal over 20 years of anguish and what seemed to be non-blessing. The Heal fear Hairy and ran fast and far.

That's when Heal met Laban the used car dealer. *cue jewish accent "Ahhhh, I've got a deal for you! You can get this beautiful model for just 7 years of payment." However, on the wedding night, Heal musta mad a LOT o' wine and woke up beside Leah... which in Hebrew means "weak in the eyes." Actually, if you ask a Rabbi, it would be better translated as "hard on the eyes." Heal married a dog, baby. Laban simply offered the best solution that suited him. Work another seven years and get what you want.

Is was just a few years after Heal's marriage to the 14year prize that he knew he needed to face the music and return to Hariy and make things right. Upon his return, he got cold feet. It was suddenly a good idea to send grovelers ahead of him, so he sent servants. Next, he sent his people. Next his family. He was working it man, everyone he sent would say "please don't kill 'im, he's incredibly sorry." Finally, there was one night after he sent his family ahead to Hairy, he stood alone at night... and was jumped. Heal was jumped, and not by just anyone, but God himself. Interestingly enough, Heal didn't know it at the time but he wasn't giving up on the biggest Smackdown session in history. He actually evenly matched the stranger and would not let go. It come to the point where the stranger had to cripple Heal's hip before he could overtake Heal. How a man could ever take on God is beyond any man.

Heal struggled with God and would not let go. He clutched to God and had one of the hardest fights of his life, but would not let go. He did not let go. Because Heal did not let go, EVERYTHING changed, even his name. He became Israel. Heal walked away from that night a totally changed man, but not unscathed. You see, Heal survived the night a new man, but he limped away. I always thought that Heal was healed from that hip displacement. But this was an injury that would serve as a reminder for a lifetime. Each time a pain shot up from his gimp hip, he be reminded of that night.

A man who walked away with a limp. Kinda lies in the face of some popular Christian beliefs right? Why did God have to communicate this point to Heal this way? Why couldn't God simply and gently send a copy of "footprints" floating down for Heal to read and reflective over. God wasn't concerned about footprints in the sand but he certainly gave Heal buttprints in the dirt. If we expect an enounter with God, we invite a smackdown event.

I Will Tell Your Name

Roland Allen tells of a veteran missionary who came up to him one day after he hd delivered his sermon. The missionary introduced himself and said “I was a medic missionary many years in India and I served in a region where there was a epidemic of progressive blindness. People were born with healthy eyesight, but there was something in that area that causes people to lose their sight as they matured.”

But this missionary had developed a process which would arrest or prevent the progressive blindness. So people came to him and he performed his operation. After receiving this “miracle” operation, the left realizing that they had been spared a life of blindness because of what this missionary did.
He said that the never said “Thank you.” There wasn’t such a word in their dialect. Instead, they spoke a word that meant “I will tell your name.” Where they went, they would tell the name of the missionary who had cured their blindness. They had received something so wonderful that they eagerly proclaimed it.

Communion is also a time of proclamation. At this table we proclaim the most important even in human history; the event that saves us from a life of spiritual blindness. And when we take these elements; the bread and the wine, we say together that “we will tell His name and proclaim our gratitude for being saved from sin.

1 Cor 11:25-26: 25In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me." 26For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until he comes.

"Action is the proper fruit of knowledge." That's it. That's all the chinese fortune cookie could cough up for me today. Actually, it could be worse. I could have gotten the cheesy Reading Rainbow one that said "Set your goals high, take flight." Are you kidding me? Lavar Burton's screen writers coulda finaggled a more thought provoking one than that.

However, this was indeed a strange fortune for me to behold. I guess because in a nutshell I taught this thought to a few hundred teens in the midst of a riverbed of rocks. It's true. The theme was "Pisteuo"... the multi-tasking greek word that is three-fold: Faith, Believe, and Trust. The motto was "walk the walk if you're going to talk to talk." No one likes a hypocrite, especially the one who does the hypocriting. It's not a glorious feeling walking home at the end of the day feeling like you are made of plastic and that no one knows whats really beneath. It's even worse when you know what you should do, but are afraid to do it because your afraid... or even worse, comfortable. Where's the passion to be better than what I am now? What happened to the desire to improve on what I already know?

Star Trek was my show, man! No lie. I use to sit down on saturdays and watch a video tape marathon of that show. On the surface, I loved the space age stuff: Ships, phasers, transporters, fighting, weird looking aliens. I even fantasized of being a captain of my own ship and sitting on my couch pretending to give orders as though I had the perfect solution for the problem scenarios I would make up in my head everyday. The underlying theme in each episode though was becoming a better person today than you were yesterday. I think I actually grew mentally stronger by thinking those thoughts everyday. I somehow found myself acting more confident with who I was and where I was going because I actually was encouraged to be stronger than before.

As I grew older and Star Trek faded away in TC history, but I still focused on acquiring and reaching every goal possible in life. I felt like there was nothing I couldn't do. My jobs loved me because I was more determined to be the best...whatever I was just because that was my core. I excelled through school because I stayed dedicated. I wanted to have fun and looked for every opportunity to take my friends out and find something adventurous to do. I moved to FHU in TN because I wanted to be more spiritual and make more spiritual friends. I wanted to know God more and know how to help others more.

After while, my mindset began to change subconsciously. I didn't see it coming. I use to blame it on Freed, but now I know a darker power may have been involved. No, no mystical forces beyond my control... just forces I gave control to. Before Freed, I remember thinking what amazing joy I had in life. I remember waking up in my warm waterbed, underneath the ceiling fan with the sun shining through my window and just... smiling. I woke up that way and started my day off content and stable. But somehow, between 2002 and now, the joy has escaped me. I don't know what to say about it. I know possible explanations, but I haven't nailed the nail on the head. Atleast, until I read that fortune today.

In 2002, I had direction. I knew who I was and what I was to other people. I had my interests, hobbies, routines, and lifestyles. I was well rooted in a tradition and environment I had know for years. I knew where I was going. I had a plan. I knew sacrifices that had to be made and new poles I would have to hurdle, but I remained committed to my convictions.

It seemed as though all that began to immediately change in August 2002. The night before I was to drive off to college, dad was pulled over and charge with DUI. The day I drove off to school Dad flew to Oklahoma to bury my grandfather and then four weeks later my mom would move out because of a marriage that had failed over the past few years without my knowing it. Making friends at FHU was harder than I imagined. The spiritual atmosphere and friendship I had hoped and longed for was just a fantasy I had engrained in my head. As I began to learn more about the Bible, I learned how egotistical and ignorant the churches I grew up in really were. I grew to love Jesus, but everything else seemed to be falling apart all around me. I took frequent trips to Houston to visit Mom, my cousins, and the church family there, and they provided a sense of strength and a temporary foundation for me, but it wasn't the same as I had before. The friends whom I had a foundational friendship began to slip away and were replaced by christian anquaintances that I was just in surface relationhips with. I no longer had a home to go home to. Churches of Christ had become too dull in their worship practices and I found myself more focused on what was missing rather being lead in spirit-lead worship service. One of the key churches that kept me going strong in my faith and energy while I was in school is now faltering into a place of dullness and routine also, as though the life is being sucked out with every breathe we take.

God... what's happening?

Today, I think about the knowledge I have, and the actions I take because of it. It makes sense, right? What I do is a direct or indirect result of what I currently know. I also think action is a result of what I believe. There's that greek word again, Pisteuo. To the greeks, believing something meant proving that belief with an action. A Christians belief in Christ left no doubt where their convictions lay. Friends at work know I am a Christian. It's because I talk about doing youth group events, not because of a deep spiritual talk I have with them. Shameful, isn't it? To most people, it's a fact of christian life to avoid talking about Christian beliefs in the work place because it's an HR no no. In fact, a co-worker of mine was told by her temp agency specifically not to bring up religious issues. It causes too much confrontation.

Confrontation. I'm fearful of it. I crumble under pressure because of it. I choose to avoid it. I have had my excuses and now my spiritual and mental health have changed because of it over time. I've become confortable. In my Star Trek years, I continually told myself to be better than I was. In the now years, I tell myself to be content with where I am. Somehow, I conditioned me to believe that. The philosophy was somehow reversed when religion became a bigger part of my life. I don't know if that's a direct link or not. I think it's challanged me more and I conditioned myself to take the backseat more often. i think that Satan is also using fear to break me down and create a desire to slide back to where I use to be spiritually because "it was a better era of my life." I actually think that. "What if I try to be the person I was 5 years ago?" What a ridiculous question. No, no, it's one I struggle with everyday, and it's one that's keeping me back.

Today I am a man who lives with his cousins and is working a mediocre job (with great med benefits I might add), attending a mediocre church, and leading a mediocre lifestyle. I discovered recently that I don't have any dreams. Every day, I feel like I am too drained of personality to engage in a simple conversation anymore. I look for funny things to say and do and all I can scrounge up is a blank stare and a brief response. I've become boring. I don't say that to get pity or encouraging comments, but I need to say it for myself and to lift it up to God. I don't want to be that way! I don't want to be comfortable any longer. I want the adventure back. I don't want to care about what will offend someone or not, I just want to do whats right because it's right and absolute.

My prayer tonight is that God knocks me from the stool I've sat on for the past year and a half. I pray that he ignites a flame that will last and bring me through the traffic jam of spirituality I am feeling. I want him to continue guiding me through the path he started for me 5 years ago. I want to shine in his presence and become a better person today than I was yesterday because I let Him change me.

Tomorrow, I want my actions to be the fruit of better knowledge.